Reflecting on My Causes and Conditions with Master Hsing-Yun

• 2023-02-09
• buddhist網站管理員

In the five hours that it took for me to dig up this single selfie that I have with Venerable Master Hsing Yun that I took in October of 2012 after I did the English transcription for his closing speech for a conference, I also unearthed over 100 drafts of unsent letters to him; some dating back to 2009 when I first moved to taiwan for the Buddhist studies program. Why didn’t I ever click send? Because whenever I sat down to write something to him, I would be charged with strong emotion, whether positive or negative, but by the time I would get to the closing and was ready to send, I’d realize my concerns were insignificant compared to the matters that he dealt with on a daily basis. What did I want to write him all these years? Lots of different things: student life at the university, the ruts I’d hit in my own practice of Buddhism, philosophical musings, a bunch of tantrums wondering why I wasn’t allowed to meet him in person when I had translated so much of his work, relationship problems, thoughts about renouncing and becoming a monastic, a goodbye letter when I left taiwan, a few letters when I was struggling in Beijing- a land where religion is suppressed, a letter seeking advice when I was applying to nursing school, my thoughts on the vows I’ve chosen to uphold, a bunch of letters as I struggled through the doctoral program, a letter when I started working, and just last month I started my last letter to him wanting to tell him about the work I do and how I try my hardest every day to put into practice what I had learned from his teachings- how I’ve tried to encourage good thoughts, good speech, and good action when I provide therapy for my patients, how I try to pass on the light to those patients who are in dark places and struggling….
and here we are, I never successfully sent a single letter to him, and now he’s one with the universe.

Somewhere along the years while I was still in taiwan I also stopped being upset that I was trapped in the political crossfire between different departments and being left in the shadow as the translator. Yes, I threw many a hissy fit for being overlooked - lots of “why do the other white Americans get special meet and greets but I never get anything for all the work I do?” (Duh reverse racism exists and was a shadow that followed me in taiwan and beijing.) The closest I ever got to him was when I was called in to “model” the summer youth leadership uniform on year and he laid his hand on my hip and said “this one is good”- by then his eyesight had gone, and he probably had no idea who I was. It was during this Buddhas Light International Association General Conference when I was doing the live English transcription for him without relying on any of the cues from the on-stage English interpreter, that I realized that I can hear him in my mind without actually needing sound. It was also at that moment that I realized I was ready to take his teachings and bring it to others. And so, I canned the musings about renouncing and made preparations to leave taiwan.

Grief is an understatement for what I feel at the moment; loneliness is a bit closer - it doesn’t help that here in the US, it’s like I have a completely different life, my social circles don’t understand the Buddhist/religious parts of my past. Amidst all the sadness and this flood of tears, one emotion stands out stronger than most: gratitude. Thank you, Venerable Master, for your life’s work in spreading compassion and showing us the way to a spiritual home that is always warm and welcoming. Guided and supported by the foundation you built with your vows, I draw courage to get up each day to fulfill my vows. 

心懷度眾慈悲願，
身似法海不繫舟；
問我平生何功德？
佛光普照五大洲。

His heart held the compassionate vows to liberate all lives,
His body was an untethered ferry on the Dharma sea,
If you asked him what good did he achieve in his life?
"The Buddha's Light shines upon the whole wide world."

文章來源 轉貼本系畢業系友 Justin Tsui facebook貼文